Coping When You Neither Want to Live Nor Die

There’s a gray space many people find themselves in that’s hard to articulate—a space where you neither truly want to live nor wish to die. It’s a quiet, lingering torment. You're not exactly in crisis, but it's not an experience that should be ignored by any means. Feeling this way is more common than you might think, and coping during this ambiguous time is possible.

The Importance of Normalization

When I meet with new therapy clients, I approach the topic of suicidal thoughts in a particular way. I've been at this for years, so I've had plenty of practice messing up and honing my skills in this area. I share just how common it is to have thoughts of death and dying, and how talking about them is important. And most importantly, I share that I understand the difference between not wanting to live and intending to die. I assure clients that involuntary hospitalization is a last resort and that I won't "freak out" on them for telling me they wish they wouldn't wake up tomorrow.

They need help coping with these thoughts. They do not need a panicking therapist.

Over the last decade, I've seen the stigma around suicide decrease. While this is a hopeful sign, there is still MUCH to be done to increase understanding and compassion around suicidality, get help for those at risk, and improve a system that often feels punitive and unsafe during someone's darkest hours.

Recognizing the Many Selves

I turned 40 this past year, but I'm not just 40. I'm also 39, 27, 18, 11...There is an internal part of me that is every age I've ever been. We all have multiple aspects of ourselves, different "selves." Recognizing this and beginning to work to understand and hold compassion for these parts can be essential when coping with suicidal thoughts.

Each individual I've worked with who has wrestled with suicidality has been able to identify, with gentle exploration, different parts of themselves with distinct desires. There is a part that wants the pain to end, at all costs. There are other parts, perhaps, who hold hope, who continue to reach out for support and understand that change is possible.

No part is wrong, but simply operating from their own understanding, through their own wounds, and toward their own goals.

Tips for Coping and Staying Safe

1. Name and validate what you're feeling.
   As the saying goes, you have to name it to tame it. Acknowledge that what you're feeling is valid. Naming what you're experiencing, whether hopelessness, numbness, or anger, can help reduce its power over you. Just because you may not be in a full-blown crisis doesn't mean your feelings are less important or that you are less deserving of support.
   
   
2. Focus on the next small thing.
   When your future feels so unclear, bring your focus to this present moment. Ask yourself, “What’s the next small thing to do right now?” Simple, low-pressure things like taking your medication, having a snack, hopping in the shower, or putting your clothes in the dryer are a good start. Small steps like this can gradually lead to a better mental space. Check out this great website for a nice walkthrough of small steps.
   
   
3. Create a Small Routine
   Even if everything feels pointless, attempt to establish a simple routine that can provide you with a small sense of stability and purpose. Consider steps like making your bed as soon as you get up, having a soothing cup of tea, and taking 5 minutes to walk around outside in the fresh air after lunch. Try pairing self-care with things you already know you'll do (like coming home from work or school, going to bed, and getting up, etc.) These small acts can help anchor you when you feel adrift.
   
   
4. Practice Self-Compassionate
   Struggling with neither wanting to live nor die means your mind is probably full of negative thoughts and images. The goal is not to "stop thinking that way," but rather to adopt gentle, compassionate acceptance that you are thinking that way. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel the way you do. This can be especially powerful if you can picture the part of you (from the Many Selves section) who doesn't feel they can go on. Maybe it's a younger version of yourself that was desperately lacking loving guidance from an adult. Can you give a little of that to this part right now? You are deserving of care and kindness - especially from yourself.
   
   
5. Reach out, even when you don't feel like it.
   Isolation can deepen feelings of despair, so try to reach out to someone you trust, even if you don't want to talk about what you're going through. Maybe you know someone who is also going through a tough time. Reaching out for a little hello can go a long way for both of you. What a gift! A reminder that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves is a wonderful thing.
   
   
6. Keep a Safety Plan Handy
   Even if you're not in immediate crisis, having a safety plan in place can give you a sense of security. Your list should include emergency contact numbers, coping tools, and a list of reasons to keep going
   
   
7. Consider Professional Support
   It’s totally okay and highly recommended that you seek professional help even if you feel like you don’t “deserve” it because you may not be fully suicidal. You DO. A therapist can help you understand and navigate this ambiguous place and help you come out on the other side, alive and thriving.

You're Not Alone

I've been through the darkness of suicidal thoughts. I'm so grateful that I took the time to lovingly listen to the messages from the parts of me that no longer wanted to live. They needed my attention. Change is not only possible, but it's inevitable. Circumstances are always changing, and that's a relief when you're in a tough place. If you need to, take it one minute at a time. Stick around to see the change. I believe in you. 💕

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

🚨 Dial 988. If you are in crisis or just need someone to talk to, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available. Share confidentially with a trained, non-judgmental counselor and get the support you need. 🚨